Seven years of life
by White-Lily-Blossom
Summary: A brief look on the Marauders' seven years at Hogwarts, from James' perspective. SiriusRemus or not? you decide.


First year, and James can see he and Sirius are going to have more fun then they had ever imagined, here at Hogwarts.

They share the dormitory with two other boys- one is short and chubby, with mousy hair and a lisp, named Peter Petigrew. The other is pale and sickly looking, with light brown hair and tired eyes. Remus Lupin continues to read when James and Sirius wreck havoc, especially around one greasy first year named Snape, and even later, when Peter starts joining them in their detentions, he is immersed in his books.

Sirius jokes and says "Lupin won't know fun if it'll hit him on the head" and Remus pretends he doesn't hear, but James can see the way he bends into himself a little more every time.

The year passes, and James notices Remus' absents, and how tired he is after every time. When he mentions this to Sirius, he snorts and asks, "why would you care?" as he folds his 'Outstanding' transfiguration essay into a broomstick.

Later, he sees Remus sitting with Peter and explaining over and over again how to turn a match into a needle, until Peter gets it.

James thinks he does care.

It's the last month of the school year, and despite the fact that Remus is pleasant and James and Peter get along with him, Sirius remains hostile.

At night, when Remus is again absent, Peter bursts in and says Remus is in the infirmary. James gets up immediately and runs after him, but Sirius is reluctant as he trails behind.

Remus is gray against the sheets, and there are bandages all over his arms and chest. He smiles at them weakly as they enter, and then bolts up when he sees Sirius. Red blossoms on his shoulder, and the nurse comes bustling in, shooing the horrified boys out.

He can see Sirius is fighting with himself, but when Remus returns the next day, tired and pale, Sirius greets him with a stiff "I hope you are better". Remus stares, and then the first real smile James ever saw him smile spreads on his face as he beams at Sirius. The black haired boy seems taken aback.

When they part at the platform, Sirius says, "you know, he's not that bad" and James nods and wonders why Remus was in the hospital wing when he was supposed to be visiting his sick mother.

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Second year, and Remus starts helping them with their pranks, though not the ones on Snape. He is still gone every once in a while, and James, suspicious, starts noticing a pattern. As Peter looks sympathetic every time Remus' father is sick, and Sirius just roles his eyes when there's a family emergency, James stays quiet, collecting hints that confirm his theory.

When he confronts Remus, the boy turns white, then turns around and starts packing. James suspects there are tears in his eyes.

He and Peter are quiet, and no one is surprised more then Sirius himself when Sirius bursts out "don't be daft! We don't want you to leave!" Remus' suitcase falls to the floor as the three boys stare at Sirius, and then Remus launches himself at the black haired boy and buries his head in his shoulder, his tears wetting his robes. Sirius almost falls, but he pats Remus' back awkwardly anyway, glaring at James and Peter as if daring them to say anything.

They don't, and James isn't really surprised when that night Sirius declares they should become Animagus. He claims he only wants to do it for fun, but James knows him better then he knows himself, and he can see through it, even if the other two can't. But he doesn't say anything.

He and Sirius make the Quidditch team, and James notices how Sirius bristles when Remus calls Quidditch "a waste of time" and how he doesn't speak to Remus for three days. He also sees how happy Sirius is when they spot Remus in the stands next to Peter at their first game, despite the fact that they never managed to convince him to come to a game before.

Remus never misses a game after that if it is them who are playing.

He, Sirius and Remus are the top of their class in every subject, and Remus sits with Peter by the fire every night and helps him. James is a horrible teacher, and he knows Sirius doesn't have the patience to teach anyone anything- he can't even sit in one place for longer then twenty minutes.

But James sees that Sirius is teaching Remus wizard chess, and he can see that the annoyance he displays at the werewolf's agonizingly slow progress is just an act.

He wonders about that.

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Third year, and Sirius is beaming at Remus when they meet him at the platform. They all exchange stories from the summer, and then James gets distracted by a redheaded girl walking past their compartment.

He doesn't notice how Sirius sniggers when he elbows Remus, and he doesn't notice how Peter and Remus smile. Remus tells him the girl's name is Lily Evans, and that she is in their year, in Gryffindor, and James thinks that she is very pretty and wonders how he had never noticed her before.

He can already see Sirius is going to be beautiful when he grows up, by the way girls look at him, even older ones. He can see Peter is going to remain chubby and short. He can't see how Remus will look like.

He thinks this is because Remus already looks old.

The three of them still ace their classes, although James failed his last potions test because he was too busy staring at Lily, and Remus still sits with Peter every night. Sirius still teaches Remus chess, and when Remus, his face shocked, captures Sirius's king, Sirius doesn't sulk like he always does when he loses- he laughs and thumps Remus on the back. James might have wondered about it, but Lily just walked past him.

Sirius gets a week of detentions because he tried to drown Snape in the lake, and Remus shouts at him. Sirius shouts back, and then hits Remus.

That's when they discover Remus is stronger than all of them.

The next day Sirius apologizes to Remus, another thing he never does, and James wonders about it as Remus smiles and accepts the apology, and Sirius beams at him like a puppy.

When they part at the platform that summer, Sirius says to James "you know, his hair isn't brown at all. When the sun shines on it, it's like gold".

James thinks of hair, and of Lily, and wonders if he should be bothered by Sirius' words.

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Fourth year, and Sirius comes back tanned and already showing some of his promise, and girls start to follow him everywhere he goes. At first he enjoys it and dates another girl every week, but then Remus, frowning, calls him a skirt chaser, and Sirius stops it and starts ignoring the girls, to their disappointment. James thinks Sirius wouldn't have stopped if James told him to, but he is glad that Remus did, as he had already caught Lily eyeing Sirius.

They are still at the top of their classes, Remus is still helping Peter, and they are still getting detentions for pranking. Since last year, Sirius only hexes Snape when Remus isn't around, and James wonders why Sirius is so afraid of Remus' disappointment.

Then he notices how Sirius is blushing a little when they dress in the morning, and how he looks at Remus, even if Sirius doesn't see it himself. He sees how Sirius is always leaning towards the smaller boy, even when they are fighting, and how protective he is of him. He notices how proud he looks when Remus starts beating him in chess on a daily basis, and how anxious he is every time it is full moon. He sees how Sirius is always getting up early to be at the infirmary as soon as possible the day after Remus' transformations.

James hopes he needs a new pair of glasses.

Remus' transformation are getting worse; the nurse says it is because Remus in going into puberty. No matter what the reason is, it tears them apart each time to see him bloody and bandaged and bruised, cuts on his face and limbs, muscles stiff, bones sore or broken. He always seems so pale and tired, even when it's the middle of the month, and James tries not to see the panic in Sirius' eyes every time Remus stumbles, and they way he stands too close when he catches him and doesn't let go even when Remus can stand for himself.

There is desperation in their Animagus studies now, and James tries not to see that Sirius is the most desperate of all.

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Fifth year starts with a bang - Remus becomes a Prefect and Sirius and Snape duel in the corridors. Snape ends up in the infirmary, Sirius ends up with detention and thirty points taken from Gryffindor, and Remus shouts at Sirius in their dormitory, using words like "absolutely stupid" and "very disappointed" and "you're better then that". James wonders why Remus thought that would even work, and when it does, he pretends he doesn't see the fear building behind Sirius' eyes, or the way his fists clench over his bed covers.

They master the Animagus transformation, and spend a glorious night in their dormitory, the door locked, changing to their animal forms at will. Sirius gives them all nicknames, and James ignores the way Padfoot jumps on Remus and licks his face.

They all join the Werewolf after that, each full moon, roaming the ground, and Prongs feels they are invincible, they are forever, and inside James knows nothing can come between them.

Remus' transformations are much easier after that, and although the nurse looks suspicious that her "puberty" theory was proven wrong, they are all relieved that Remus isn't hurting himself anymore.

James sees the way Sirius grins now, the panic gone from his eyes, and decides he is all right with that.

Their O.W.L.s are a piece of cake, excluding Peter, and James asks Lily out, only to be rejected. He fumes and rants and Remus tells him he was a total jerk, Lily was right, and James should grow up already. James yells at Remus, and sees the way Sirius stiffens and the dark look that appears on his face as James storms out. Later, Sirius finds him and makes him apologize.

When they part at the platform, Sirius shuffles his feet, flushing, and starts awkwardly "I think I-that is- I mean, he- I-". James says, "I know" and wishes he didn't.

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Sixth year starts quietly. Sirius ran away from home, and he and James never talk about what Sirius said, and Remus never shows any sign that he suspects anything. Snape starts lurking around, trying to get revenge for the end of last year, and every full moon James becomes more certain the he figured it out. He doesn't say anything, though, because he knows Peter will be hysterical and Remus will worry himself to death. James knows Sirius will kill Snape.

He tries to redeem himself in Lily's eyes, and doesn't pay attention to Snape, who looks smugger every day, or to Sirius and Remus, who look more worried.

Later, as he sprints out to the snow, cursing himself for not seeing, he wonders why he thought Sirius could be trusted.

Time passes since that night Sirius almost caused Remus to kill Snape, and Remus still doesn't talk to Sirius. Peter had given up on them long ago, and James doesn't know what to do. When Remus woke up that morning in the infirmary, and Sirius admitted what he did and begged for forgiveness, Remus looked at him, his eyes hard, and then turned his back on him and said "not this time".

They all pretend not to hear the choked sobs every night, and not to see how red Sirius' eyes are. James knows Sirius' grades are dropping, he knows that if he continues to fly this bad he will be kicked off the team. He doesn't think Sirius cares.

After all, Remus isn't coming to the matches anymore.

James notices that Sirius is gray under his tan and how hollow his eyes are. He sees how thin Sirius has become, how his nose and collarbones and ribs are sharp under his skin. He sees how beautiful Sirius is, even now, and how he never looks anyone in the eyes anymore. He sees that Sirius is starting to give up.

James wishes Remus would see that, too.

Sirius only comes to meals now when Peter and James make him, and even then he doesn't eat. Sirius doesn't talk anymore. He doesn't smile or laugh and no one knows what to do.

James pretends he doesn't see Sirius sit by Remus' bed every night, crying softly, but he can't pretend he doesn't notice what Remus is doing to Sirius.

James just wishes Remus would notice, too.

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Seventh year, and James, Head Boy now, corners Remus at a compartment in the train, and shouts at him to stop it. To stop being so petty and to take a good look at Sirius, at what he has become, and to be sure staying angry with him is worth that.

James sees how Remus looks at Sirius, really **looks** at him, for the first time in almost a year, and he sees how his eyes widen in shock when he notices the dead look in Sirius' eyes, and how he lost even more weight since the end of last year. James sees how he gulps in horror.

James finds an excuse to get Peter out of their compartment, and he watches as Remus approaches Sirius and his lips form the words "I'm sorry". James sees how Sirius stares up, eyes widening, paling even more the he was, and how long he just looks at Remus, frozen.

James sees how Sirius launches himself at Remus, tears streaming down his face, burying his head in the smaller boy's chest, great sobs shaking his body. James smiles as he sees Remus wiping his own tears, hugging Sirius fiercely, and feels his own eyes sting.

When he thinks nothing could get any better, he finds out that Lily is Head Girl.

Sirius is getting better now, with the help of Remus. Their relationship isn't completely patched up, and they both know that maybe it will never be- but they are both willing to try. Sirius is excelling in all his classes again. He's back on the Quidditch Team, and Remus is always there to cheer up for him.

James sees the way Sirius still isn't completely at ease; he sees how he is still quiet, how he tries not to do anything to anger Remus.

James knows how afraid he is to disappoint him again.

But James also notices the hope in Sirius' eyes, the confidence he is getting back a little more every day, and at Christmas, a year after the incident, he sees that Remus is wearing the coat Sirius bought for him, and how happy Sirius looks.

Lily asks him out the next morning.

The year is over, and even Peter managed to scrape good grades in all his N.E.W.T.s. James and Lily are going out and they are planning to live together from now on. Sirius is going in for Auror training, like James, and Remus will be studying teaching. Peter won't say what he's going to do, but judging by the gleam in his eyes, it's something interesting.

Sirius and Remus aren't together, and as far as James knows, Remus doesn't even know about Sirius' feelings for him. Maybe they won't ever be together. But he sees the new softness in Remus's look, and he knows that Sirius will not be giving up. Not this time.

When they part at the platform for the last time, Sirius stops James, his eyes shining with wetness, and says in a strangled voice "thank you". James smiles, and for once, he is happy that he knows.


End file.
